The Lion Within

Call me Simba, Shizi (狮子), León, Sher (शर), Asadأسد) ), Leão, Sinha (সং), Lev (лев), Löwe, Raion (ラオ), Sera (ਸੇ) or Leeu, irrespective of race, nationality, religion, colour, age or sex, I exist within each of you. My many attributes either as the beauty or the beast, are visible to all in the roles I play in the many walks of life. Whether it be as a child, a parent, a spouse, a fellow friend or a colleague I fulfill my duties diligently. Most often the significant others in my life see the strength and courage I have come to symbolise, some do see my beauty, grace and loving nature, however there is more to me than what meets the eye. I can be strong, I can be weak, I can be kind, I can be selfish, I can lead, I can be one of the pack. Do you recognise me, I am the lion within…

I have good and bad days and I have come to accept, that without the night there is no dawn, without those hard summers when the water holes start to dry up there is no joy in the first rain. The story I am going to share today is one of a very long drought, it is nothing like a good or a bad day, it is a night that does not pass. They say the night is darkest just before dawn, but what if the dawn at the horizon is shrouded in the mist of depression.

Over the years I have had weeks and months when life has lacked direction and at times even seemed pointless. Quite often this was in the face of adversity but at other times there was no rhyme or reason, it was just so. I had managed to pull through these difficult periods by holding onto memories of happier times because they gave me hope. But a couple of years back I went through a spell that just would not pass. Time stood still, colours faded and my energy ebbed away. Losing the respect of the other lions as my roar became weaker was one of the hardest things to bear.

I felt a raw, aching sadness that I had never experienced before, it was a foreboding space in which I found myself lost. It felt like a downward spiral and the deeper I ventured with my thoughts the darker it got. The rest of the world seemed to carry on around me, but I was only a shadow of myself. I was not doing much but at least watching my cubs bought me some solace. They were after all my pride and joy. But as I went downhill even they seemed to get on my nerves and I retreated more and more into myself. It was so out of character for me, but I would snap at them and then spend hours feeling bitter and guilty. Eventually they avoided me altogether and went to their mother for comfort and protection. I felt so listless and everything took such a huge effort that life became one long chore.

I seemed to have lost my ability to focus and things came to a head during a hunt when I believe others felt that I did not pull my weight and lost an easy prey. It almost felt as if my movements had slowed down and I could not keep up with the pride. I was shocked when I caught sight of my relection in the water too. My mane was thin, my coat in poor condition and I looked gaunt and haggard. I felt ashamed and kept thinking what the others must be saying about me behind my back. I could not talk about what was going on, after all I was a lion. Deep down I felt like a waste of space and started avoiding my friends. There was a part of me that knew they were reaching out to help, but I did not want anyone to see me like this. I deliberately sought out caves and hollows to isolate myself as my sense of hopelessness increased and I slipped further into the abyss. 

Others would have looked on in wonder as to how still I lay, but there was no peace inside. I felt restless and could not rest or sleep. I had no appetite for food or pleasure. Even the inital sadness dissipated into an overwhelming numbness. In the past watching the sunset never failed to move me and I always looked forward to that time of day. Now I was unable to get enjoyment from even the simple things in life. I wanted to feel again but all that I could experience was a dull ache that further wore my spirit down. Every now and then I would step on a thorn, even the acute anguish this pain would cause was better than the numbness, atleast I felt something. I toyed with the idea of disappearing into the seemingly eternal darkness of the night. I did think of the people I would leave behind and I was torn between feelings of guilt and shame about how selfish I had become and those of relief that the end could bring. Staring at the night sky I would wonder as to what my fate was to be. When I would be gone, will my cubs look to the heavens and see me in a star or would their lasting impression be of my body in the abyss. This thought would send a shiver down my spine and made me feel even more uneasy.

I had pushed away the love of my life, I did not want my darkness to envelope her as well. Although we had lost our natural affinity she never gave up and slowly it became apparent that the more I tried to protect her by cutting her out, the more she suffered. It took a lot of courage but when I did open up to her, she stared nuzzling me and it felt as if we were connected again. She helped me see that allowing her in was a testament to my strength and not my weakness. She urged me to speak to my friends and take them in to my confidence as well. As I heard about their experiences it changed the way I thought about life. Many of the stories about loss and injury were heart wrenching and I could empathise with their struggles. They said I had depression and that it was very common. Some had been on their own journeys and were able to tell me what had helped. It was comforting to know I was not alone and that it does get better. I had help and understanding from quarters that I could not have foreseen, some were those I had looked up to and some were those I had despised. I also learnt who my true friends were.

As I started to move forward I disocvered new options of thinking and doing. I learnt about how unhelpful my thinking had been. Somehow I had got into a downward spiral of minimising my achievements and maximising my failures. The pride elder pointed out that I was quick to predict failure and disaster and maybe put energy unwittingly into making them so. With help I started to see how this had become a habit and why it was not conducive to my recovery. Medication also played an important part. I realised how much I had let myself go and I started to get the basics in place, exercise, grooming, regular meals and sleep went quite some distance in the healing process. I got some structure back into my day and forced myself to do the pleasureable things that I had lost interest in and soon some feelings of joy started to creep back in. I still remember the first hearty laugh I had and it was gratfying to be told that my roar had could be heard for miles again. As I improved the family bond strenghthened and I started working on my priorities. I developed a better understanding of the early warning signs of depression. . Since then it has tried to raise its head again but the skills I have learnt prevented it getting a grip.. Sometimes this has involved taking what my friends call hippo time, i.e. I allow myself to be miserable for a bit, but hippo time has a start and a finish and sometimes it has involved me engaging in activities I know help me.

Lions are recognised as symbols of courage and strength but speaking out about my experiences is by far the most courageous thing I have ever done. My recovery journey is unique to me and I am sure yours would be unique as well. If my story helped you in anyway, do share your own. It will help you and will help others see that from a collage of rainbow colours to the shades of grey and ash are all part of the circle of life. Connecting with the strengths within, will help you steer your way. Yes, I am there inside you, I am the lion within.